Today was the worst day of my life. So far. I hope against hope that this will be marked down in history as the worst day of my life ever. But, I’m learning that life is not fair, there are no promises or guarantees and my spirit has been stripped forever.
Today I was told that my 22 week, 5 day old daughter in utero no longer had a heartbeat. I had the feeling that something was wrong for a couple of days, but today it has been confirmed. I would like to say that it started as an ordinary day, but it didn’t. It started with a phone call to my doctor after the fourth shower in a row that did not wake Charlotte up and get her kicking. Then it turned into my laying on the couch for an hour after I drank a soda at 8:15 in the morning counting “kicks.” I thought I felt nine, but was not confident enough to text a friend who is a nurse practitioner at an OB/GYN office. The rest of the day kind of passed in a blur.
I went out to dinner with my husband and our three year old then ended up at my friend’s house with my son watching her try to find a heartbeat with a doppler while laying on her couch. She couldn’t. We called my mom and asked her to come over to watch our son while we drove to the hospital. For a minute when I got there, I had hope. I thought, “Heather, you are over exaggerating, everything is fine.” Then the nurse at the hospital couldn’t find a heartbeat, then the ultrasound tech couldn’t see movement or a heartbeat. Then the doctor confirmed everything, she was no longer alive. Her heart wasn’t the only one that was broken beyond fixing tonight.
In the short time that I’ve known what is going on, I’ve tried to accept it. Tried to make sense of it. I’ve tried to find silver linings, but most of all I’ve wondered why. No one can answer that one.
life without ck 